I always wanted a friend like Ashleigh- a girl I could talk to about anything and everything in my life, who could listen and respond and actual have something of substance to say. More than anything, I think what I was looking for was that first person I could tell I was gay. It would have to be a female- they're so much more understanding and accepting, and definitely less intimidating and threatening. It took me two years of college before I found her, but she was finally here.

Of course, telling her was still not an easy process. From the point at which I decided that I would definitely tell her, it took me three weeks before I actually I did. I had hinted that I had something to tell her (sometimes not so much a hint as a straightforward statement). All of her friends thought I was going to tell her that I was in love with her. Her roommate was the only one who disagreed, thinking that, if I was going to tell her I was in love with her, I would have done it by now. Her roommate even suggested that I was going to tell her I was gay.

We went to a coffee shop to talk, as we had come to do on a rather regular basis. I thought this would be where I'd finally tell her, but it seemed too...I'm not sure. It seemed to non-ideal, and ideal was the only scenario I was prepared to deal with. And private- it would definitely have to done in private. So, a few hours later, we left without me having uttered a word about it. Would I ever tell her? Of course I would.

Halfway home, I decided to momentarily lower my inhibitions and take a chance on the strength of our friendship. I told her I had to tell her something, and then waited until I brought the car to a complete stop at the light for fear of hitting something in my flustered and emotional state. I looked into her eyes (they're so big and inviting, how could I not?) and blurted out as fast as I could, for fear of losing the spat courage I'd just mustered, "I'm gay".

My statement was greeted with my best-case scenario- a big smile and an even bigger hug. She immediately insisted we not go back to campus, but drive around a while instead. She asked a few questions, questions I would find to be typical and would have posed to me about a dozen more times over the next eight months.

"How long have you known?"

That sounds so simple, but it's so hard to answer. When I started looking at guys, when I started wondering if I was gay, when I finally realized I was gay, when I accepted it - these were all very different events. I think I first started considering men in a sexual way when I was a freshman in high school. No, I started looking at guys before that- eighth grade. Ah yes, when I first started masturbating. What a discovery that was, but not as alarming as discovering that I got more excited over men than women. Truthfully, I don't know if I ever got excited by the thought of a woman- I thought I should, I tried very hard to be, but men always invaded my fantasies, eventually taking them over completely. I probably first considered that I was gay as a freshman in high school- but I was convinced that, if I had any interest in men, then i was definitely bi. That was more manageable- liking women would allow me to keep up the heterosexual front. By the end of my junior year, though, women fell out of the picture entirely, yet I still had a girlfriend. We even had sex once, but it wasn't her who I was thinking of; I wouldn't have been able to keep it up if she were my only stimulation. Yet it wouldn't be until this moment- when I finally vocalized for the first time- that I admitted to myself that I was gay. I felt that, as long as no one knew, there was still 'hope' for me, that all I really needed to do was have more relationships with women. Now it was out, and there was no turning back.

"How do you know? Have you had any experiences with other men?"

No, I hadn't had any experiences with other men. I was too scared of myself to all another person into my sexual confusion. But I definitely knew (why would I be telling you if I didn't?). I'd spent more than six years transfixed on other men- young, smooth-skinned, thin, toned men. Just thinking of that arouses me more than a woman ever could. I'd thought perhaps it was a 'phase' for quite some time, that I would eventually grow out of it and return to 'normal'. I'd given myself every excuse possible to keep myself from having to admit I was actually gay. But I knew that this wasn't a phase, that this was 'normal' for me.

"So, what kind of guys do you like? What's your type? Is there anyone you're interested in?"

I find that this question general comes in two forms- the "I know a guy I can set you up with" from women, and "I want to know if you ever found me attractive" from men. I prefer the former, since there's more potential benefit to me. I generally don't find my friends attractive because I know they are all straight and my attraction would be for naught. There are a few exceptions to that though- precious few. But with friends as beautiful as mine, you can't help but finding a few attractive.

So, you really want to know what I like? Young (18 to mid-20s), thin, medium height (not too tall, but a little taller than me- well, at 5'6", who isn't a little taller than I am?). I don't like guys that are extremely feminine, but they don't have to be entirely masculine, either. A smooth, toned body- I can't stand body hair, although I've got a little myself, and I like some muscle tone, but not a bodybuilder. But really, why do you ask?

"Have you told your family? Are you going to tell them? How do you think they'd take it?"

Definitely not. I couldn't imagine telling them, not now. I'm not really sure how they'd take it. Part of me thinks they'd take it very well (that's the idealized version) and another part thinks they'd hate me for it (the eternal pessimist). I'm not sure how to read my family. My older brother makes the occasional gay joke, which is enough to keep me from telling anyone. He's one of those "Not that I'm homophobic; I've got a friend that's gay..." guys. He's definitely not a gay basher; he's never spoken out violently against gays. That's a good sign.

My father is even harder to read. He's a fun-loving , easy-going guy. I couldn't imagine him getting upset about anything. When I think about it, I can't remember him ever having uttered the words 'gay' or 'homosexual'. He's never entered into any conversation on the subject, not even a comment or a joke. I have no idea what he thinks, except that none of his children are gay. I've decided to wait until I've graduated college and have a job, when I'm in no way dependent on him, to tell him.

My little sister is much different. She's very liberal and free. She would be the first one I'd tell. I was going to tell her once, but I just couldn't do it; it wasn't the right time. That happens with everyone; I suppose there is no 'right time'.

We covered these questions in about a half-hour, and then she spent the next hour and a half pouring out her whole life to me. I would have a similar experience when I'd tell my 'other' best friend (ironically, her boyfriend) a few months later. I thought this was unusual- wasn't she supposed to think there was something wrong with me? Much to my surprise, she took the news much better than I did. She would remain my sole confidant for several months, but he was all I needed to know I was finally free to be myself.