I was having a great weekend- I always do when I'm there. This was only my third time in Chicago to see Doug, my boyfriend, but it seemed like home, more so than Saint Louis ever had. That was due in no small part to him, the most wonderful person I'd ever met. Sure, he was just the second guy I'd ever dated, but why should that detract from my feelings for him? Our relationship seemed so perfect. Not perfect in the 'television-Beaver-Cleaver' way- that would just make me nauseous. We had our little fights, sometimes about things significant, sometimes about things that seemed too insignificant to mention, let alone fight about. That's what made the relationship perfect, though- we had the perfect combination of outward love and loving disdain.

It was Sunday night, and I was on the verge of leaving- again. That always bothers me- I feel like I'm losing something everytime I go, or, worse yet, I'm letting Doug go. We were cuddling, holding each other in our arms, when he asked me what I thought we had in our relationship. We discussed or relationship for a while. I really can't remember any of what we discussed, just the conclusions we came to. It was an amazingly brief discussion, especially for us. We decided that we wanted to be free to see other people; we wanted to see what else was out there. After all, we were both young, inexperienced and had dated very few people previously.

I suppose the distance played into the decision. Neither of us had ever asked the other one out, although I'd wanted to ask him, and I think he felt the same way. We had both just started introducing each other to our friends as our 'boyfriend'. I think it was more out of ease of description at first- after all, what else could you call it? Out of referring to each other as our boyfriend grew the commitment that accompanied that title, something we both wanted in some way, but also knew we weren't ready for.

It was decided that now, when our friends asked us about each other, we would describe the other as 'this guy I'm totally into' and 'this guy I'm sort of seeing'. He jokingly remarked that this meant we were 'friends that fucked'. We were keeping everything we had, all the feelings and desires, but we were disposing of the titles and the commitment. That's how it seemed as we talked, but I couldn't help thinking that the feelings and desires would begin to dissipate. Had I just lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me?

It took me until the next night to finally understand what had happened, or at least to solidify my perception of what had happened. Niel, one of my best friends, called me at 3am- he had just broken up with his girlfriend Ashleigh, also one of my best friends. I viewed the three of us as the closest incarnation of the characters from the movie 'Threesome' as you could ever hope to run across. These were the first two people I had come out to, the first two people I'd ever met that I could share all of myself with. I knew he was hurting and he needed someone to talk to, so I took him to get some coffee- what else was open that late? Truthfully, I needed someone to talk to as well.

After mulling over Neil's breakup for over an hour, we turned to mine. I'd already told a couple of my friends about the break up, but this was the first time I was able to discuss it at any length. Walking through events vocally often allows me to understand them better, and that was definitely the case here. I knew Doug (was he now my ex?) had always thought that I would find someone else who would sweep me off my feet. He had told me that at least a dozen times, enough where I was beginning to believe him. He was so adamant about it. I think this was something of a defense mechanism against that- he wanted to build a little distance so he wasn't that hurt when this 'sweeping off the feet' occurred. He knew I lusted for other men- I talked about them too much not too- and he wanted to let me see what else was available. He didn't want me to ever regret staying with the second guy. If I was truly in love with him, I would come back, having seen what else was available and decided that he was indeed the best for me. I was reminded of the song "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free"- everything reminds me of a song- and I knew that that was exactly what he had done.

Truthfully, I had wanted the freedom to see other people, but I always wanted to know that Doug would be there for me. I suppose that was selfish- I often am that way. This was the closest I'd ever get to that. Neither of us had any prospects, nor were we in any hurry to go out and look. In reality, neither of us will probably date anyone else for quite some time. More than anything, we needed this time apart to grow into ourselves, rather than forcing ourselves to grow together. I had been moving away from who I thought I should be (I spent the first eighteen years of my life trying to be my brother) and developing into who I am ever since I came out to my best friend. I still had quite a bit of personal growth and discovery to go through, and I suspect he did too. But we both know that, regardless of what might happen in either of our lives, we will always love each other.